As I sit in my dark room in the basement at 12:15AM on Friday, April 28, 2023 with all of these thoughts running through my head, I feel the urge to put these feelings into words.
Life is crazy and stressful and hard and overwhelming and I've barely just begun. As I finish my last week of college, I'm getting ready to move to another town I will call home for a little while. I think about needing to find a job, being able to afford life and support myself, but still get to enjoy some of the luxuries life has to offer. I think about my decision to return to Iowa Central in the fall of 2024 to major in Accounting and how crazy I must seem for packing up my life and moving away only to uno-reverse a year later. I think about the need to satisfy others and make sure that the choices I make will work for them, but it's my life. When will I let myself do something selfish for once? I'm not saying that I'm not a selfish person sometimes...just that I feel like my anxiety plays games with me and forces me to make decisions that will benefit other people over myself.
I have got to STOP worrying about what my friends, family, acquaintances, and potential employers will think of the life choices I make. I am fortunate enough to have so many amazing people in my life that are just along for the ride. I have yet to hear one of the people out of my plentiful support systems tell me I'm making the wrong decision, yet here I am, awake in the middle of the night worrying about the next year of my life. These amazing people aren't afraid to give me their opinions...they will tell me when they think I'm doing something stupid or they'll give me advice on what I can do to be more successful, but never once have they bashed me for making the decisions that I do. Not to my face anyway. So, why? WHY do I worry that I'm going to give everyone whiplash as they try their hardest to keep up with my back-and-forth life choices? They're here to support and I'm here to make the decisions. I'm young and I can do anything I want no matter what people think. So, why can't I seem to let myself believe that???
Just random little thoughts from Maddy. Thank you for listening...
